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11:07 a.m. - 10/10/2008
The best laid plans...
time for an update. I'm feeling like Ihave no friends right now and quite gloomy. Our anniversary was as bad as I thought it'd be. He got home from golf drunker than I've seen him in a very long while. We went out to eat, against my better judgment. It was awful. He was so loud and annoying to everybody sitting around us. To sum it up, all the other diners sitting around us were quite aware that we were 'celebrating our 23rd fucking anniversary and she is a fucking saint for putting up with my sorry ass." He threw salad in the air, stumbled around, cussed, and almost went into a crying jag. I was mortified. Just wanted to hurry and get out of there. On the way home he jumped out of our car to chase a rabbit, a real rabbit. I just went home and cryed.

He went from bad to worse about two weeks later when his best friend was killed in a motorcycle accident. He and Tim had been friends since Little League. He lived just a few miles away and his dying seemed to take Marc off the deep end. He fell apart at the funeral and started drinking in earnest. About a month later, he and some friends put together a golf tournament to raise money for Tim's son and wife. I had to work all day, but was able to go to the party afterward. I was really looking forward to having a few beers and seeing some of the gang in a somewhat happier setting. Things were fine for a while, but he got drunker than I've ever seen him. Drank George Dickel straight out of the bottle. Later we went to one of the guy's house to continue the party. I was talking with Marc's good friend, and he was telling me that he was really worried about Marc. He said he was drinking way too much and had changed a lot. He wasn't telling me anything I didn't already know. A bit later, Marc started picking fights with people, me esspecially. He started accusing me of sleeping with all of his friends and calling me some awful names. It got very bad. I convinced him it was time to go home. I drove, of course, and he was yelling at me the whole way home. I was crying and when we finally got to the house I asked him to get out. I backed out of the driveway and drove away. I went to a bar and had a couple gin/tonics and then went back to the car and cried more. I even stopped by the store and bought a pack of cigarettes. I'd quit smoking about 8 months before and I needed one really bad. Needless to say, I started smoking again.
Finally went home. He was asleep. Next morning he appoligized but the damage was done.

I thought about telling him to get out, but didn't. Things got a bit better over the next few months. During the summer we kind of patched things up. But it's not the same anymore. I pretend, but I don't love him anymore.

My heart hurts. I'm tired. I'm tired of pretending. We have sex a lot. but it's almost a 'desperation' sex. I enjoy, but in the back of my mind I feel like I'm just fucking him so that when the next pile of shit hits the fan and I tell him it's over, he'll really regret what he's done to me. He doesn't trust me if I'm out of his sight. Hell, he doesn't trust me in sight. We've had so many arguments lately it seems like that's all we do. He bitches and complains all the time.

His 50th birthday was yesterday. I've been good to him the past few weeks. I've tried to put the past out of my mind, but I just can't. I've become detached.

I hate to think about it, with the economy like it is, if we split, our lifestyles will not be nearly as good as they are now. In a way though, I don't care. I simply don't care anymore.

In other news, the company I work for is opening a new store. I was chosed to be the Appliances Senior Mgr. I arranged to take off this week for some down time before the store opens in November & the holiday shopping season hits. but as they say, the best layed plans...

The doctors believe Cait has had a spinal cord stroke. She lost feeling in her right side and I've spent the entire week in doc offices/neurologist offices/waiting while she gets CT scans/MRI's/testing, etc. She's better, but we're still waiting on the results of the spine & neck MRI's from yesterday. It's been scary. So, I feel guilty for feeling bad that I didn't get to have my vacation, but I'm also thankful that I was not working so I could be with her during all of these procedures. BTW, she and Joshua are getting married in June!

Conor is a senior and has several girlfriends. I think he's having a great senior year! We got him a car, he has a job, and he is as tall as his dad now. He's planning to 'go away' to college. So, in the fall we won't have any kids at home.

Today is the last day of my vacation and there are no doc appts. I'm waiting around for the phone to ring with some test results for Cait and what the next step is for that. Oh, she's in college now! Making all A's, and studying Early Childhood Education. She's grown into such a wonderful young woman.

Anyway, I was wandering around the house, trying to get over this crappy feeling of impending doom and couldn't think of anyone to talk to. Damn, I need a vacation from life.


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